2018 Can’t Be Worse Than This

As the final minutes of 2017 passed by, I cried.  “It can’t be worse than this,” I thought.  There is just no way imaginable that any year coming up could surpass how shitty this year has been to me.  This has been simply horrific.

To lose an aunt who, for much of my life, was like a second mother to-  who, for the final few years, I had a less than ideal relationship with- whom I desperately wish I could have changed things with before she passed… the pain is remarkably deep and I still cry.  I cry at random. I cry at night. I cry in the middle of the day. I cry at meals. I cry while watching TV.

It can’t get worse than this.

To have a camera stolen from me by a drug addicted roommate – a camera that held pictures of a vacation that I took to heal from the loss of that aunt just a few weeks prior.   Memories I will never get back.  A camera I bought with the first bonus check I ever earned in my life.  A camera that was less than a year old and had so many more good years ahead of it.  This theft gave me sleep paralysis and I now have PTSD from this incident that I’m still working through as the thief entered my room multiple times including once while I was sleeping.  I sometimes still wake up thinking someone is walking in on me as I sleep.

It can’t get worse than this.

To have a dream job within my grasp and basically be told I’m more than qualified for it, to get so close to having it… then to get skipped over for it after weeks of waiting in limbo for it.  To feel like I’m so close to finally putting my degree to use and working in the field I was trained for and then just… not.

It can’t get worse than this.

To get sick at San Diego Comic-Con and have to miss three press rooms.  To miss the chance to meet Anthony Rapp in person.  To miss so many opportunities I might not get back.  To be at the one annual event that makes me happy and be taken out of it for the better part of a day…. just a week after my aunt died… when I need this event to heal more than anything.

It can’t get worse than this.

2017 has damaged me in a way no year before ever has.  I have somehow made it out the other side and I don’t quite know how.  I cried my eyes out as I stood alone on a street corner and watched the fireworks go off over Pearl City tonight.  It was how I needed to say good bye to the year.  I needed to send it off with one last moment of sadness before I was ready to face 2018 head on.

I needed to cry.

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