The State of Me

Yes.  I’m going to be moving again.  It’s important to note that it’s not their fault.  Yes, they are angry with me and they refuse to communicate.  But they are young.  I was like that at their age too.  Hell, I still have trouble with my emotions at the age of 31.  The difference with age is that I’m making an active effort to be introspective about my issues now, which I didn’t do much of when I was 19 and 20.  I look back and my string of failed roommate situations and I think about what I’ve done to trigger them.  I think about what the other parties did to trigger me and how I responded poorly.  I’ve got 99 problems and self-deprecation and unhealthy coping mechanisms are at least 92 of them.

I’ve determined I am just not meant for roommates.  I never will be.  Unless I’m in a romantic or domestic relationship of some kind with somebody (even poly of some kind).  Even then, I’d need my own space. My own room to retreat to.  An office with a couch to sleep on when I just need a night alone.  I need space to myself and time alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes I need to be messy.  Sometimes I need to wallow in misery for a bit.  Sometimes I need to just hide from people and not have to worry about late night encounters with people on my way to the bathroom.  For this reason, I’m looking for a studio apartment.

Right now most studio apartments tend to be in the $1100-1300 range.  Typically this doesn’t include Internet or electricity, which can add another $100 on top of this.  My bills are around $407.  If I cut out Crunchyroll that’s $400.  Not much of a drop, but it’s something.  I’ve already had an offer to jump on a friends Crunchyroll account. I’m on T-Mobile and interested in merging onto an unlimited data family plan. I’m willing to pay 6 months in advance right away.  Hit me up.  Right now my Cell Bill is $120 a month so help me get that down as much as possible if you’ve got a family plan with unlimited data.

I know I’m really putting it all out there right now.  Y’all don’t need to know all my financials.  But this is just how it is.  I’m facing a financial tight spot and I don’t know what to do about it.  My net monthly income varies slightly depending on how many work days are in the month, if I put in any over time, or if I have any unpaid time off (my mental health has, unfortunately, caused this to happen lately).

With my highest net pay and lowest monthly rent options, I have $900 to “live on,” which is comfortable.  With my lowest net income and highest rent income that drops down to $500, which is incredibly tight, but doable.  Eating on $500 can be done, but doing pretty much anything else is basically a nightmare.  Self care? Not happening.  Paying for SDCC hotel (the last SDCC thing I haven’t paid for yet)? Gonna be hell on earth, but I’ve paid for my airfare already so I’ve got to figure it out somehow.  Replacing the laptop that my cat peed on yesterday?  Hahahaha.

Yes, my cat peed on my laptop yesterday, by the way.  It won’t turn on anymore.

I primarily use my computer to work on my website, edit short videos and pictures, and stream movies.  If I can find a decent computer that can do all that on the cheap, please send me towards it.  I’m find with refurbished devices.

So here I am.  In a predicament.  I need a new computer.  I need to eat well on $500 a month and have some left over for other things like toiletries, movie tickets, the occasional beer maybe.  I’m not too terribly worried about SDCC this year, but next year might suck.  The only thing left for SDCC that I have to pay for is the hotel room.  Everything else is done.  Next year I’m going to be starting with an extremely tight budget from day one.  I’m worried.

I’ve applied for three promotions at work.  I’m not sure how any of them will go.  With my mental health issues this year, there’s a strong chance it’ll hinder any chance I would have otherwise had of moving up in the company.  A promotion would make this entire financial situation much easier, but I’m going into it assuming I won’t be getting any of them.  If I end up getting one I’ll just have to be pleasantly surprised and thankful that I have more of a cushion.  But right now I’m going to assume that all my interviews have been bungled and I’m working with $500-$900 to live on each month.  One is tight. One is comfortable.  I don’t know what my future holds and I’m scared.  Yet again, I’m scared.  And I’m once again becoming very introspective about myself and why this keeps happening to me over and over again.

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